Confidence is a complex state of inner strength which provides safety and also courage to confront fears or to withstand pressure. Confidence is happening when we have faith in our own conscience and we are truthful and knowledgeable of what is beneficial for us.
In this state we value our presence and the state of being conscious and aware of things. Having faith in our consciousness means we have faith to stay aware in difficult moments and to value our response and choice.
My experience with this reading was profound as it took me back to a childhood memory and also to some past lives. This helped me remember some difficult moments when I've lost confidence and when I considered my psychic gifts and abilities were dangerous and needed to be controlled or suppressed.
This strong suppression and fears have caused a great deal of damage to my self-image and also to the way I presented in the world. I kept wanting to be small or to keep away as to not bring discomfort to others or not cause trouble for myself and others. Fear of being killed as a consequence of using my abilities was extreme and this is still something I am slowly working through with care.
The wall I built to keep myself safe denied my abilities and covered them in pure shame. This made it very hard for me to speak in public, to show who I am to others, to dare to acknowledge my gifts. I felt guilty every time I would see or know something others do not and this was practically keeping me in a prison. When I would try to speak to someone from my soul, my voice would almost disappear and I could not breathe properly.
I went through this intense challenge of dealing with this wound when starting to do the youtube videos. My heart would start racing, I would just stop and cower in fear and enter a panic state. This panic state would then make my mind blank and force me to stop for a while. Right now I can speak about this because I went through the hardest moments and the wall has been breached. I no longer have panic attacks or disorientation when trying to speak in my youtube videos or other types of public expressions. There is still some work to be done as something so debilitating takes a while to disperse, but I am feeling better now.
I've been battling this for my whole life now, feeling a tremendous inner conflict which made no sense to me. I've judged myself for it, punished myself for it and enhanced the victimization perpetrated in past experiences until I realized what I was doing to myself. It has been very hard but now I'm finally starting to heal.
People have mocked me frequently because I am shy, sensitive or sometimes talking with an emotional traumatized voice. They sometimes say I should not speak this way because it bothers them or because it's not right ... whatever right may be in their minds. They usually judge my voice and peg me as having a serious issue with expression but they have no clue as to why that is. This has brought various other issues to me as dealing with rejection and accusing myself of not knowing how to speak.
Whenever I felt rejection of my sensitive expression or of what I said, I also felt the need to please others to save myself, because I almost fell into a panic thinking I'm going to get tortured or killed somehow. This intense fear did not make sense to my personality self so it was ignored until I had the tools and it was time to deal with it properly. This may happen to you too, I am referring to the idea of ignoring something because it does not make sense for your personality self.
This reading helped me tremendously because it showed me that the process of gaining back confidence is connected to trusting my gifts and using them by becoming more visible, in my own time and rhythm. While this may sound obvious, it was not obvious to me. It showed that I need to do more meditation as well. While having this wound, I could not meditate properly as it brought back so much fear and panic... but now I can do this much easier.
This process has requested an amazing amount of will power and discipline, but it can be done.
This reading is profound as it goes to look for the roots of how confidence was lost and then provides the means to get it back. The need to be fulfilled so you gain back confidence is also analyzed along with first steps and other aspects.
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